i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.