I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
