I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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