Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
