you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
