How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
