This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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