I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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