I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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