R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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