Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
