and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
