I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I faked an abortion last night.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
