wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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