My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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