Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
