it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
