I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
