So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
