2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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