how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
