just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
