New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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