there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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