i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
