I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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