Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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