My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
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To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
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I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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