drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
