If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
