So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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