If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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