I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
