Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize