He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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