I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
