went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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