Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
