Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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