my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
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Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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