are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
