I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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