was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
