Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
