Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
