I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
