Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
babies were throwing up all over the place
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
