If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
