So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
