Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
