Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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