I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
